Our Executive Director of AG Singapore, recounts how God led him step by step in his coping from a stroke attack.
It was supposed to be a usual morning, waking up for breakfast and running errands with my wife. Unusually, the mobile phone kept slipping off my left palm at breakfast. Dismissing it, I went on with my errands. Three hours later, the left flip-flop unusually kept slipping off my foot. Sensing something amiss, we rushed to Changi General Hospital (CGH). Grateful that I did not wait for more symptoms to appear (arm weakness, face drooping, cognitive confusion, speech difficulty), the medical team at CGH ascertained there was already a 17mm clot on the right side of my brain. Simply put – I just had a stroke!
This was least expected, given that I am active in sports, running and golfing. More importantly, for 20 years, I have been strict in the yearly scan on the walls and valves of my heart, along with cholesterol level checks at the National Heart Centre – this is because, at age 40, I was detected to have a minor valve that cannot shut firmly and as the back flow of blood could trigger a heart attack, I had to monitor my heart regularly.
While I was still at the Accident and Emergency Department at CGH, I kept asking the Lord, “Why?” Before any reply could arrive, the worst began to unfold. For the next five days, the strength on the entire left side of my body weakened further, to the point that I was no longer in control over them. I could not sit steadily and fell from the bed in the Stroke Unit Ward, which created a commotion for the nursing staff. Despite the medical team’s assurance that the loss of strength and control of body were normal post stroke effects, by then, I was absolutely demoralized, experienced anxiety attacks and needed melatonin (to sleep). The fact that the doctors could not trace any medical explanations to the clot in the brain, made it worse!
It was my first hospitalization, coincided at a time when no visits were allowed due to the peak in COVID-19 cases then. Left on the hospital bed, cables attached to my body – loneliness and despondence filled the first week.
During this period, my mobile phone was more active than I was. Filled with lots of texts and calls of encouragement and prayers that I appreciated immensely. One common advice given to me was “recalibrate” but one that struck me most was – “NIL: Nothing-Is-Lost” – where God is concerned.
I could recall at the hospital bed, at the prime of David’s youth, he was well celebrated; a musician who could help the king to refresh with the playing of a lyre, restored pride to the Israelites by defeating Goliath and an endeared soldier who struck “tens of thousands”. But all of these changed and came to a pause when there was an attempt to pin David to the wall with a spear by King Saul. This led to David, hiding in the cave of Adullam. Loneliness and despondence probably filled him too. However, we later read that these were momentary losses to David whom later, became the king of Israel, composer of many Psalms and a man after God’s own heart.
My Reflections:
- His grace for me was there throughout. So many episodes that could have gone awry but somehow, developments fell into my favor. To cite one: I don’t wish to imagine what would have happened if I had waited for all the stroke symptoms to appear before heading to hospital. The clot could have gotten bigger, damaging more brain cells and correspondingly, more body parts!
- He had called me to be humble – what I did in the past was of good but temporal use. When He called on me, He wanted me to experience Him firsthand (note the contrasting effects of the Beatitudes). This was the “recalibration” that He wanted me to experience with Him. Not to continue basking in what I can do, but to rely on Him fully.
- I had to trust in His promises – that nothing will be lost (NIL). Wallowing in self-pity brought me nowhere. In fact, if I was unwilling to fight together with God, all would have been lost, eventually! I needed to cling on to God’s promise of an abundant life, which included standing up for my health and family. In my state, I had to be determined to fight, to recover!
By week two of my stay in CGH, I was put on Leo – a robotic treadmill lookalike machine that forces brain cell linkages to movements on my left leg – and the 20-minute workout on Leo was as strenuous as a 2.4km run, when you took the exercises seriously. By week three, I found sufficient strength to walk round the ward with close supervision by a therapist. By week four, I was ready to be discharged, to be with my family – whom I missed sorely – and was able to not be a burden to them too.
Today (since mid-March), my mobility and independence are far steadier and stronger. I used the walking aid only twice when I stepped out of home and took public transport for a breather. (If you are a stroke patient, don’t attempt this without professional advice.) True enough, thank God that nothing has been lost or holding me back from fighting to regain my health and ministry as I went on to help in recent AG events (AGM, CIE and August 2TiP). I am even typing this reflection with one hand! There are still calibrations, I know, since I am far from the conditions of my pre-stroke days, but with His grace and my reliance on Him, I know He will lead me closer to recovering fully.
